The one where I prove my smoothness. For the millionth time.

So, it’s been documented in other places that I am one of the smoothest people ever to have been born. Here, however, well, that’s a different story. See here? It’s still new and shiny and I haven’t done anything to prove my smoothness lately.

Well, until tonight, that is.

First, I feel like I should maybe give you an idea of what type of smoothness I’m claiming. I’m not speaking of the smoothness that gets people laid with almost no effort or the kind of smoothness that comes from knowing how to dance or move well. My smoothness is the kind that makes me look like a total asshole

Case in point.

A few months back, my mother was nice enough to take me to and from work. One morning, I was waiting for her in the parking lot. (Yes, I was smoking. Blow me.) I saw a car that I thought was hers pull into the bank near the base and turn around, like maybe she had turned into the wrong driveway and realized it too late to stop turning. I put my cigarette out, opened the door and yelled good-bye to everyone and proceeded to go out to my mom’s car. I opened the door, set my purse on the floor and sat down as I heard someone say, “I think you have me confused with someone else.” Yep. I got into a little old lady’s car.

See what I mean about looking like an asshole? Thought so.

So, tonight I was running late to work. I needed to stop to make sure I had crap here to eat for the next 2 weeks (and by crap, I completely mean those steam-in-the-microwave vegetables) and even though I left 45 minutes BEFORE my shift, I still managed to be late.

(If you’ve been paying attention, that means I did not venture out with the masses this morning to get my precious contact solution.)


I was late and pulled into the parking lot a little faster than normal. I didn’t think too much of it cuzz the brakes on the car were just completely redone. I slowed down as I wanted and everything was good. Until I ran over one of those little concrete parking stopper thingies. Not a big deal, I’ve run over them before. I threw the car in reverse and slowly began to back up and off the thing. Except that’s not how it worked out. I moved. A little. But then my car stopped moving all together. I thought that maybe I slipped out of gear since the transmission isn’t the best and has had problems. I put the car into park and sat there a second, then I put it back into reverse and tried again. Still no movement. At this point, I just said fuck it and put the car in park so I could go inside.

I was greeted by hearing that my crew didn’t need a wake up call in the morning. (I stopped giving wake up calls a while ago, so they didn’t even need to worry about telling me that.) After the dispatcher from the day shift left, I went downstairs and asked my crew if they might be able to lift my car up or something and make sure that I’d be able to leave in the morning. After some giggling, they agreed.

Now, had I been thinking, I would’ve grabbed my phone and took video of the rescuing of my car. Then again, had I been thinking, I probably wouldn’t have stranded my car on a concrete parking thingie.

What transpired has got to be one of the more comical things I’ve witnessed in my tenure as a licensed driver. See, then simply pushing the car while someone put it into reverse didn’t work at all, my crew decided to put some muscle into it. After putting the car into park, one of them braced himself against the base with both legs. When the car was put back into reverse, he pushed with everything he had. Amazingly enough, he didn’t hurt himself when the car finally moved and he was no longer supported by the car. And yes, if you need to ask, I damned near pissed my pants while watching everything unfold.

After the car was moved and parked, my crew looked under the car. Seems there is now a nifty little mark/hole where I hooked the frame on the only piece of metal that was sticking up. Fucking awesome.

Ya know, it doesn’t seem as funny after I see it typed out. Oh well. It still amused the shit out of me. 🙂

Maybe I’ll write a few blogs about my adventures of smoothness in the coming overtime filled weeks…

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