Archive for April, 2010

In which I learn to never spit when there’s wind

So, I recently had to write an autobiography for school. After I was finished and it was submitted, I had a chance to read the contributions from the other students in my class. I was the only one who chose to share a story about something that helped to shape me into the person that I am today. I was a little nervous about how I’d be graded and what kind of comments my instructor would leave for me, considering that everyone else had basically talked about their present lives. You can imagine how stoked I was when I read my comments and was praised on my ability to “take the reader to the moment”. My instructor told me that she very much enjoyed what I had written and had no questions for me like she did for almost everyone else in the class. I consider that a nifty little victory. 🙂


When I was writing that up, I started thinking about other things that had happened in my younger years and I realized that not only have I been through a LOT of shit, there were also tons of really funny things that happened. Now that I’ve finished up my assignments for the week, I’ve decided to put some of those stories out there in hopes that not only will I make you piss your pants with all The Giggling®, but I might just be able to shake off this damned writer’s block. Enjoy.


I did most of my growing up in a small town. We moved around a lot when I was a kid, but we always found our way back to the small town where my mom grew up. Anyone who’s ever lived in a small town can understand that it can be pretty boring, especially for a kid. Thankfully, my friends and I seemed to be able to occupy ourselves by walking. Everywhere.

One day when I was 14 or 15, there was a group of, like, 6 or 7 of us. I can’t remember where we were heading, but we were walking somewhere cuzz that was pretty much the only thing we could do. It was a nice day with quite a bit of wind. Now, I remember hearing people say, “Never spit into the wind” a lot. Why, I’m not exactly sure, but I used to hear it all the time and I pretty much always remembered to never spit into the wind.

I’ve always been a spitter. I had a lot of friends who were guys and I had 2 uncles who spit ALL.THE.TIME. In fact, one of my uncles used to roll down his window and spit while speeding down the expressway. When I got my driver’s license, I attempted to spit just like that once. I decided that my uncle must have been magic or something cuzz when I spit out the window, it was promptly thrown right back at me. o_O

So, we were walking to who knows where, when I got an idea. Remembering the never spit into the wind thing, I had the brilliant idea to see if I could spit OVER my head, using the wind as a kind of propellant for the spit. It took me a few minutes to convince myself to do it, since if I failed there would be witnesses, one of them being my boyfriend. (At least, I think I remember him being there. Someone correct me if I’m wrong.) After a little bit, I decided fuck the embarrassment if I fail and chose to go for it.

I waited for the perfect moment, when the wind decided to really pick up. As soon as I thought it was blowing hard enough, I threw my head back and spit straight up into the air. I was THRILLED when I didn’t feel the spit landing on my head. I was VICTORIOUS!

And then I heard one of my friends make sounds of pure disgust.

I turned and looked behind me, expecting to see that she had just stepped in my awesome, flying loogy. When I didn’t see anything on the ground, I looked up at her to see what happened and instantly put my hand over my mouth.

In my eagerness to see if I could harness the wind, I forgot that some of my friends were walking behind me. It never even occurred to me that the spit would land anywhere other than the ground of my own head.

Poor, poor M. She had caught my spit. With her face.

As I type this now, I’m struggling to see the screen through the tears I have running down my face from laughing so hard. At the time, I was mortified, even though I laughed then, too. (A lot of the time, when I do something like THAT, I laugh uncontrollably. I think it’s a nervous habit kinda thing? *shrug*) M was absolutely pissed, and understandably so. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’d be pissed off if spit just randomly landed on MY face. I think the whole incident is why she got such amusement out of denying me Nintendo privileges with another friend of mine when we were in high school. LOL

So, M, if you’re reading this, I want to say, again, how sorry I am for spitting on you. I didn’t MEAN to do it and I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell for laughing at the memory. My only hope is that I’ll see you there for laughing at telling me I could play Nintendo and then yanking it away from me. 😛

Next time, I think I’ll talk about some of my falling stories. Trust me when I tell you I could probably write a new falling story every day for a solid year.


In which I continue wasting time

Ah yes. Wasting time. Seems to be something I’ve found I am incredibly good at doing. I have pretty much effectively wasted most every morning since I’ve been off work. I mean , I could always get everything done in the morning so I have the rest of the day to dick around, but really? Where’s the fun in that? And would I really enjoy sitting in front of the computer, playing Bejeweled for hours on end, KNOWING that everything I need to get done is finished? I think not!

Really, I’m trying to figure out what to write for my first assignment. If you’re friends with me on Facebook, then you now that I’ve recently decided to go back to school. I don’t start orientation until Monday, but my advisor has already given me an assignment. He wants me to bust out a 200 – 300 word autobiography. shouldn’t be too difficult to do, but I find myself having some trouble. See, I tend to over share when I have to write anything about myself and/or my life and I’m trying to figure out how to write this up without going that route. He suggested writing about education goals or family or work experience and while those are good suggestions, they’re not something that I really feel like writing about. Actually, the only thing that seems to stand out that would be any kind of interesting would be to write about the things that I’ve overcome in my life to get to where I am today. Thing is, I haven’t really gotten very far in my 30 years, but I do know that I could’ve ended up somewhere completely different and not very good had I taken the ever enticing “easy way out”.

I’ve had quite a few people who’ve known me for years and know me pretty well tell me that if they didn’t actually know me and seen first hand some of the bullshit I’ve been through, they wouldn’t believe it. Not so much due to it being outrageous or outlandish or anything like that, but simply cuzz I’ve been though THAT MUCH bullshit in, what is ultimately, a pretty short span of time. Hell, my medical issues ALONE put me in a freaky category. I mean, how many people do YOU know that have had the gal bladder removed at 15 and have at least 2 diagnoses that doctors typically only give to people 80 and older. o_O

I’m also running into a ginormous case of writer’s block. That’s what’s kept me from writing any new poetry for the last 5 years and why I haven’t been able to just sit down and get my book going again. (Not a book to be published, just a book of poetry to replace the one that was destroyed when my purse was stolen.) It’s also why my blogging has been sporadic, at best. I mean, sure, I can come here and spit out all sorts of nonsense and call it good and I try to all the time. I wind up reading it over after I’ve written whatever and just delete it cuzz it’s worthless drivel and doesn’t always make much sense. Honestly? This entry should probably not be put out, but it’s going to be anyway cuzz I feel like I need to put something out there and I’m hoping that by doing so, I’ll kick myself in the ass enough to start churning out something worth reading. And also? I drank a pot of coffee this morning and I’m feeling all kinds of hyper and what not. Mmm… Coffee.

I’m actually a little pissed off at coffee, though. Not all coffee, just the can that I got at the grocery store last night that is no where to be found. Greg even went out to the car this morning to see if maybe he missed a bag last night. It was raining pretty hard when he unloaded the car, so it was pretty likely that that was what had happened. No luck, though. I had just enough to make a pot this morning and I’m hoping that once I decide to put away the rest of the groceries, I might find it. Since I did a pretty thorough check of the bags this morning, though, my hopes aren’t very high. I’mma be one pissed off coffee drinker if it turns out that my coffee stayed at the grocery store.

I also think I may have wandered into the Land of Cat Puke®. 4 out of 6 cats have puked this morning, 1 of which almost never does. Another one decided that today would be a good day to go for the world record and has horfed shit up no less than 4 times. Maybe I rolled over on top of 1 or 2 of them last night and they’ve all decided to rebel with vomit. They’ve been trying to kill me for a few years now anyway, so is it really that hard to believe that they would retaliate against me for some unknown blunder? I think not.

Ok, I guess that’s enough babbling. At least here, anyway. Time to smoke one more cigarette before moving on to my assignment. I’m beginning to remember why I had problems in high school. Stupid procrastination and being easily distracted. I need to crack down! But I have to clean up the cat puke first…