Archive for June, 2010

An open letter to my allergies and other things

Dear Stupid Asshole Allergies –

LEAVE ME ALONE. I cannot even begin to express how annoyed and angry I am that you have decided to come into my life, unannounced, yet again. Yes, I know the weather is pissing you off, but there is no reason to take it out on me. I have done NOTHING to you and yet you seem to feel the need to make me sneeze uncontrollably, make my eyes itch and my nose drip. And I’m sure you’re aware that when you decide to come around, you make me even more dizzy than I already am, which makes using my cane far too difficult and pisses off my walls cuzz I can’t help but run into them. HARD.

In closing allergies, you can get bent. I won’t be upset at all if I never have to deal with you again.

Love ~ Me

Dear Douchebag Neighbor –

I did not tell you that you were not allowed to speak while you were outside. I asked that you keep it down so my child could sleep cuzz he had to go to school in the morning, which is obviously something you do not have to deal with yet. However, if you continue to tell everyone you see that I told you that you can’t talk while out in your yard, I will be forced to come out and not only call you out on being an asshole, but prove just how loud you actually are by being able to hear every fucking word out of your mouth over the volume of anything that happens to be on inside my home. If I need to, I will invite your girlfriend over to come inside and hear for herself why I feel the need to ask you damned near every single night to kindly shut the fuck up. And if you think that you need to yell at me, mock me or otherwise be a dick, I will make your life hell. You’ve been telling people that YOU were trying to politely tell me that you were playing with your son. Please explain to me how screaming at me about how you’re no longer allowed to speak outside and that you don’t give a shit what I think about you is ANY kind of polite. Here’s another newsflash for you, I could give two shits whether you think I’m a bitch or if you think I’m wrong. Much like you were trying to make sure your family was happy, I was trying to make sure that MY family was able to rest, which is not something that we should have to give up so you can fuck around on a 125 cc bike (and yes, I do know the difference between a 125 cc and 250 cc. You have a 125 cc, but go ahead and tell me it’s a 150 and continue to look like an asshole. I also know the difference between the sound a 125 cc bike makes vs the sound of a go-cart. They are COMPLETELY different). According to the city ordinances, DAYTIME hours are from 0800 until 2100, or 900PM. You were in violation of that, if you want to get technical, which I can only assume you do, since you felt the need to shout at me that it was still somewhat daylight outside.

So, douchebag neighbor, you can go choke on a bag of dicks for all I care. Just keep the volume down so I don’t feel the need to save your damned life.

Kisses ~ Me

Dear Dumbass Cats –

I love you. You know that I do. So, please, tell me why you all feel like you must try to kill me with every step you take? Is it cuzz I occasionally spin you around on the kitchen floor? You should love that! It’s like a carnival ride without the long lines or cost! Maybe it’s cuzz I’ve been known to use scotch tape to tape your ears to your heads or to make the bottom of your feet all sticky. Seriously?! That is NOT that bad. It could be worse. I could totally be putting tinfoil on you feet or plunging you into a bathtub to give you a quick scrub. Then again, maybe it has something to do with my newly found love of putting you into diapers. Come on now. That shit’s just funny!

Please stop trying to kill me every time I get up to walk somewhere. I would also appreciate it if you all would quit jumping down from the window and landing within centimeters of where my head is on my pillow. I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is and I would really like to get through my life without having to experience a heart attack while I’m innocently dreaming of not so innocent things.

Squishies ~ Mama

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