Archive for March, 2011

In which I recycle an old post

So, I’ve decided to recycle an old post I put up in the notes section of my facebook a couple years ago. I was inspired to do this after reading a blog about how spiders are scary. Since they are totally and completely scary and trying to kill me on a daily basis, I thought that I would repost my EPIC BATTLE tale about how I tried to slaughter one of these beasts. What follows involves A LOT of cussing, so if you’re frightened by chicks who say things like “shit” and “fuck” repeatedly, you should probably have turned back as soon as you saw that I am the author of this blog. Mhmm.



~originally posted on April 3, 2009~


(So, if you read my status updates from last night, you’ve probably noticed that I fought a spider last night. This is the tale of that fight. I may have embellished a bit, but not much. After all, it’s common knowledge that spiders are evil and like to feast on humans. Enjoy.)

Now, I’ve always made it known that spider are my mortal enemy. Ok, maybe not to THAT extent, but it’s a very common fact that spiders and I do not get along. AT ALL. I have the hardcore spider fear going on to the point that I can’t bring myself to even kill the fuckers with out freaking out and sometimes flying into a full blown panic attack. And when I DO happen to grow some balls and kill one, I must document the hell out of it. (As demonstrated in the following link.

So, I was sitting at work last night, calmly watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent, when I decided that I was curious about the time. I looked up at the clock (0113 to be exact) when I saw it. A ginormous fucking spider just hanging out next to the clock. STARING AT ME WITH HUNGER IN IT’S CREEPY ASS EYES!!! (I can’t swear to it, but I’m damned near certain that the scary fucker was drooling a little.)

Now, being the low-key and sensible person that I am, I immediately exited my chair and went into the kitchen. And by that I totally mean I flew out of that chair and into the kitchen with all the grace of a drunken hippo.

After I caught my breath and started cussing, I began to think of ways to get rid of flesh eating creepy crawly. My first instinct was to grab a Swiffer, as I did in my previous EPIC BATTLE. (See the link above if you’re somehow confused) I was all sorts of jazzed up when I realized that the only Swiffer at work happened to be one of those Swiffer duster things. A duster would offer me no protection and would have little to zero smashy effect on the beast. I glanced over and saw the fly swatter that was hanging on the wall.

It was at that point that the creature decided to play it’s trump card. Bitch started to move DIRECTLY TOWARD ME!

I screamed and retreated further into the kitchen area and began furiously texting Becky. See, I knew Becky was awake cuzz she had decided to taunt me earlier by calling me and holding her phone up so I could hear a song I loathe being played by a band that apparently isn’t all that sucktacular.


I start texting Becky with the quickness cuzz she was awake and she was well versed in my Spiders Are The Spawn Of All Things Evil mentality. (How she managed to live with me as long as she did, I’ll never know.) Instead of offering to come save me from the monstrosity, she merely laughed and told me to smash it. Becky KNOWS how I feel about smashing spiders. Becky was being a mean head and she knows it.

At that point, my friend Mohawk Chris started to text me. I told HIM of my plight and while he DID offer to come play smashy for me, I didn’t get a chance to tell him to do just that. See, that was when the little fucker decided to play his other trump card and began to descend from the ceiling.

I screamed and jumped back again. It descended about halfway down when it decided to turn around for reasons I can not begin to imagine. After all, it seemed that it was going to make it’s move and devour me right then and there. I grabbed the fly swatter and inched out of the kitchen area. And that’s when it everything took a different turn.


Seriously. Granted, it wasn’t chasing me on the floor or anything. See, the thing was far too smart for that. Oh no, no, no! It decided to chase me around on the ceiling in what I can only imagine was an attempt to keep the upper hand and drop into my hair where it would be closer to my brain that it was surely drooling over.

At this point, I decided that the fly swatter wasn’t good enough. I began to panic a little. I thought about the crew downstairs and wondered if they were actually sleeping. I decided to take my eyes of the beast and run downstairs to check. Sure enough, they were sleeping and would probably have fed me to the spider if I woke them up. (EMS crews value their sleep and would kill you and everyone you love if you wake them for anything other than a call. Ask them, they’ll tell you.)

I went back upstairs and found that it hadn’t moved from the spot it was in when I went downstairs. I ran past it, back into the kitchen area, to try and come up with a different plan. I needed a new weapon, one that wouldn’t force me to get too close to the thing. After all, by this point, it had tasted my fear.

I looked into the bathroom and saw the mop. I grabbed it and tested it against the floor for smashyness. I realized quickly that it would not provide the smashyness that I needed. (It isn’t one of those flat sponge ones that gets all solid after you use it, other wise I’d have been set!) I scanned the kitchen area quickly and saw an orange cup. I grabbed it, jammed it onto the end of the mop and tested the smashyness again. It was awesome.

I moved out into the office and we stared at each other. Then it began to stalk me again. We moved in circles around the office, it glaring at me with pure blood lust in it’s grody fucking eyes and me threatening to smash it with my new found weapon. We went round and round like this for what seemed like an eternity.

Then it stopped. It just stood there over my chair, staring at me, DARING me to just try to play smashy. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear the shithead gave me the finger. Being that spiders don’t have fingers, I could be mistaken about that, though.

Finally, I managed to grow some balls and I made my move. I lunged at the thing, driving my cup-mop into the ceiling with all my might! I know I wounded it, there was no way it could have dodged the attack. As I began to twist my cup-mop to make sure the smashy was successful (and to leave a nifty spider splotch so I could show off my smashy skills), it managed to jump away. I saw it fly in the direction of the computer and phone.

And then I didn’t see it anymore.

Panic began to wash over me as I cussed and jumped backward. I timidly began using my cup-mop to move things around on the desk, just in case it happened to be taking shelter amongst the very tools I needed to use to do my job. It wasn’t under anything.

After about a half an hour, I decided that I must have mortally wounded it and it had gone back to it’s den of grodyness to die. I began to calm down and eventually sat down at my desk again. A few minutes later, an emergency call came in and I had to put the battle at the back of my mind.

I didn’t see the spider for the rest of my shift.

It fought well, effectively wasting damned near 2 hours of my shift that I could’ve spent watching infomercials or dinking around on FaceBook. I feel that I can claim victory, since it never got the chance to taste my flesh, but merely drool over the notion that I would be a tasty spider snack indeed.

And that is the story of my EPIC BATTLE. I was victorious in keeping myself from being devoured by a ginormous spider. Hopefully, it really DID go off to die cuzz if I see it tonight, I’m gonna drown that fucker with the can of hairspray I’ll be bringing in to defend myself. O_O

(Heh. Looks like I just need a good spider battle and I can write a story with the quickness. If only I could start writing my poetry again….)