In which I talk about my feet

Feet are disgusting. There is no arguing against that. If your feet are not baby feet, they are gross. And if you’re an adult with baby feet? Welp, chances are that if I see them, I’ll be hauling ass far, far away from you. As much as I loathe feet, I would actually like mine to not look all dry and nasty and cracked. I’ve always painted my toe nails. ALWAYS. The only time I haven’t was when I was pregnant and that was only cuzz I couldn’t actually reach my toes. Hell, I couldn’t even cross my legs.  o_O

Since I would like my feet to look normal, or at least like I was able to get regular pedicures or something, I decided to try something that a friend of mine told me about. Seems slathering your feet in Vaseline and wrapping them in plastic wrap over night is supposed to make your feet nice and soft looking. Since I don’t think my feet have appeared to be nice and soft for a number of years (possibly over a decade), I decided to give it a shot. After all, it’s not like it’s gonna kill me or anything. Right?

So, last night around 7, I remembered that I had wanted to attempt this Vaseline thing. Miss Squish was happily kicking shit in her crib, The Ginger was in his room doing… something, and Greg was on the couch trying to find something to amuse him until the Tigers game came on. I figured that since no one in the house needed anything, I should probably wrap my feet before I forgot again. I got the plastic wrap, the Vaseline and some paper towels so I could wipe the sliminess from my hands. I was thinking ahead on that one.

As soon as I sat in my chair, Baby Mae decided to get very interested in what I was doing. Apparently, seeing me sit down with those three items and take off a sock piqued her curiosity a bit. She sat on the window sill looking at me like I was being the slowest person ever born. I found this amusing. I started doing everything super slow, just to see if I could send my normally docile cat over the deep end. She simply stared at me and I lost interest in pissing her off being slow after a minute or two. As I’m slathering my feet at a normal pace, I notice that Baby Mae is ever so slowly moving to sniff the Vaseline. It would seem that my cat thinks as long as she moves like a snail, I won’t see her. She also does this when I’m eating ice cream. You’d think after 5 years of not being fooled, she’d catch on. Anyway, I notice that she wants to smell the Vaseline, so I just hold my hand up to her nose. She sniffs it for a couple seconds and the next thing I know she’s LICKING IT OFF MY HAND. I started laughing and ended up letting a glob fall off my hand. Luckily, I had somewhat anticipated this happening as well and I happened to have some paper towel on the carpet just in case. Yes, I really AM that awesome.

After I entertained myself with that for a minute, I decided to just hurry up and be done so I could go about my business. I slathered and wrapped both feet, wiped off my hands and sat there, wondering if this was going to work. I’m not sure why, but I think I might have been expecting to feel, like, a tingling or something? Logically, I knew I wouldn’t, but logic has been wrong before in my world. My feet felt squishy, but that was about it. I decided to put on some socks just in case the half roll of plastic wrap I had just used hadn’t been enough and decided to venture outside for a cigarette.

Now, I’ve documented some of my smoothness here in the past, so I’m sure there is someone, somewhere who has just pissed their pants at the thought of this.

I stand up and my feet feel squishy. I could actually kinda hear the squishing, too, which made me think of Miss Squish’s Eeyore blankie thing with the crinkly ear and then I giggled a lot. After the giggling, I got my cane and started to move forward. HOE.LEE.WEIRD. y’all. I felt like I was slipping without actually slipping! In order to combat the slipping, I walked around like a little old lady. That only helped a little bit. It was one of the weirdest feelings evAr!

Since I’m blogging, I obviously managed to not hurt myself. I kinda wish I had, though, so I could make another I’m Ultra Smooth post, but alas, ’twas not meant to be. My feet don’t look HALF as dry as they did before this, but they still look dry and you can tell their cracked. I even sanded them down and soaked them in the shower a bit before hand in order to make sure the Vaseline could soak in. That didn’t happen. The only difference is that there appears to be less dry skin if you don’t look hard enough.

I think I’m gonna try one more time this week and if it doesn’t work… Well… If it doesn’t work, I guess I’ll be wearing closed shoes all summer.

    • Tonya
    • June 8th, 2011

    Hey get some AVON foot works slouthing cream. its works awesome but if you dont wanna do that they make these socks with gel inserts that are oils and stuff, well you put on lotion and then put them on your feet overnight and it really works. My feet are the same way and I also hate and I mean hate feet unless they are baby feet. let me know what ya finally come up with.

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