Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

The Time I Was Stalked By A Herd Of Cats

So.  It’s no secret that I love cats. Cats are my most favorite thing evAr! and I used to have my very own herd of them.  6 cats that were all about a year apart in age, the oldest (at the time) was, like, 7 or 8 and the youngest was a year.  If I could have, I’d have totally added more cats to my collection.  I’ve had to downsize, which makes me sad, and only have 3 now.  One day, I will grow my collection again and I wonder if that day may come sooner than later.

Yesterday morning I got u p at the asscrack of early to wander around the neighborhood in my effort to stop being such a lazy bitch.  As I wandered, I was keeping busy by discovering the random ass songs I put on my phone to keep myself moving.  I remembered adding a shit-ton of 90s music, but I also apparently threw in some Lady Gaga at some point?  As I was figuring out what I added, I was also running into low hanging tree branches and, at one point, I tripped over my own feet when I looked down and saw boobs on my phone instead of Coolio’s awesomeness.  As I was trying to make sure no one saw me trip and figure out why there were random boobs on my phone (I still haven’t been able to figure that out), I noticed something kind of odd.

There was a small gray kitten following me.

Obviously I was drawn to the kitten.  I mean, it was FOLLOWING ME.  That means that it wanted to live with me and snuggle with me and ignore my husband so I could finally have a cat of my very own that would love ONLY ME.  I tried to pet it, but it darted away, as kittens are wont to do.  I was a little disappointed, but carried on with my wandering.  I decided to look back after a few steps to see if it had come back out from under the bush it ran to and was a little surprised at what I saw.

Not only was the little gray kitten back, but it was following me again.  And it had brought a friend.

Que high-pitched *squee*ing.  ANOTHER CAT!  TWO CATS FOLLOWING ME!  Clearly this meant that I was supposed to add them to my collection.  I attempted to make contact and, again, they darted away.

I continued on my journey, losing myself in my playlist again.  An old man and I crossed paths and waved at each other.  I found it a little odd that he was wearing a wife beater, cargo shorts, white socks pulled up to his knees, and some beat up shoes.  No idea where he came from, but he seemed harmless enough.  A little farther down the street and  I started to feel like I was being followed, which was kinda creepy since the sun was just starting to come up.  I looked over my shoulder, thinking maybe the old dude turned around or something and was startled at what I saw.



I wanted to be excited.  I wanted to think that these cats thought of me as their queen and that they wanted nothing more than to live with me and give me kitty cat snuggles.  But there was something about how quickly the herd grew that I found disturbing.  I started to wonder if maybe I had wandered into some sort of secret cat meeting and had interrupted a key moment of plotting world domination.  Obviously if that were the case, I would need to be eliminated cuzz you can’t have some chick with butt-ass white legs telling the world that your cat gang is about to dominate the planet.  

I shuddered a little and picked up my pace.   

They were still behind me when I walked into my driveway.

They stopped at the end of the driveway and watched as I walked onto my porch and took off my shoes.

They were still watching me when I opened the door and went inside.

I haven’t seen any of the cats since then.  I’m hoping that they realized that no one would believe me if I tried to warn them that there was a gang of cats out there trying to take over the world.  I did skip my early morning wandering today, though, so I don’t truly know that they weren’t waiting for me outside.  And I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being watched.


The Things That Wander Through My Mind When I’m Actually Alone

It’s not often I find myself without anyone around me.  Seriously, there’s always someone near me.  More often than not, it happens to be a child.  Since Miss Squish has decided that 0400 is a wonderful time to wake me up in the mornings again, I have a feeling that I might be venturing outside earlier and earlier in the mornings.  I set my alarm for 0530 so I can get up and attempt that C25K thing (which I’ve had to alter and will explain), but for the last couple of weeks, the 3 year old has been all about waking me up at 0400.  This morning, she was thirsty, but she had drunk all the water I had given her when she went to bed.  Of course, when I returned with more water, she was already sleeping again.  I tried to follow suit, but failed.  So I got up and ventured out into the world.  While I was out, I began to realize a few things. 

~ Britney Spears keeps me moving.  Seriously.  I don’t know what it is, but if I listen to her music while I’m attempting to defeat the Dispatch Ass®, I actually feel motivated to push farther.  I’ve decided that it’s my body’s natural response to escape Britney, which totally allows me to keep my metal cred. 

~ I need to ease into the C25K thing more slowly, which scares me a little.  I didn’t realize that my lung capacity had diminished as much as it has.  I mean, I probably should have known, but it just never occurred to me.  I’ve got asthma and smoked for damned near 20 years on top of that, so DUH! but it honestly just never crossed my mind.  Probably cuzz I never had a smoker’s cough, but who knows?  Hopefully, by easing myself into it slower than when I had intended, I’ll be able to actually complete the thing without feeling like my lungs are full of cement.  

~ I really hate cleaning.  Completely despise it in fact.  This means that I need to play the lottery.  When I win, I’ll hire all kinds of people to clean and stuff, which will create jobs and help the economy.  That’s right, I’m a problem solver. 

~ I need to find a way to get a house.  There are too many kids here for this place and I’d to have a yard.  With a fence.  That way, the kids can run around and I won’t have to worry about them deciding that today is the day to test whether they are stronger than the car barreling down the street.  Also, a bigger place might allow me to start collecting cats again.  Maybe.  Except probably not, cuzz they’ll all flock to my husband, like the traitorous bitches they are.  Damn his cat whispering ways!

And there you have it.  That’s the kind of shit I think about when I’m not surrounded by other humans.  Now I’m off to grab up Little Bitty and see what the day holds.  Likely a bunch of screaming and tears, followed by wailing meows from cats who think that they need to eat deli meat.  

On The Subject of Accomplishing Shit

This morning I got off my ass and attempted to do this Couch-2-5K thing that I keep seeing other people do.  Call it peer pressure, call it a desire to lose my Dispatch Ass®, or whatever catchy little thing you want to make up, I have decided that I want to complete this program.  My possible failing point? I FUCKING TOLD PEOPLE I’M DOING IT .

I don’t know if this is a common thing or not, but I’ve realized over the years that if I want to accomplish something, I have a better chance of doing so if I just keep it to myself.  It seems like whenever I tell someone else, I lose all motivation for finishing whatever it is and that’s that.  I don’t like it when I feel like people are disappointed in me or anything,  so you’d think that would be a huge motivator.  Apparently not so much.  Like, every time I tried to quit smoking, I told people not to let me near a cigarette cuzz I was gonna quit.  It would last a day or so and then I’d pick up a pack of cigarettes and that would be that.  Last year, though, I didn’t really say anything to anyone about it.  Guess who hasn’t smoked in over a year?

I’m not entirely sure why I decided to let people in on my Kill the Dispatch Ass plan, but it’s out there now.  I was originally supposed to start it up on Monday, but I didn’t.  I was tired.  Miss Squish decided to get up at 0330 and I couldn’t fall back to sleep until I was supposed to get up, so I said, “Fuck it” and didn’t go.  Yesterday was a rain delay due to hearing what sounded like buckets being dumped on the roof when I was supposed to make my attempt.  Again, I said, “Fuck it”.  This morning I almost didn’t go again.  Miss Squish woke up at 0400 this time and, again, I couldn’t fall back to sleep.  Today, though.  Today I forced myself out there and tried.  I didn’t make it through, but that was cuzz I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  Remembering my inhalers would have probably been a smart move, but I was operating on little sleep and SHUT UP!  The point is, I got out and tried and I plan on doing so again tomorrow.  Hopefully my telling the world about this isn’t my way of sabotaging myself.  Seems I like to do that a lot, as well.

So, now it’s out there.  I will also be incorporating more by way of a “work out” routine as I progress.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  First, it would just be helpful if my kids would all sleep through the night at the same fucking time.  Seriously, not having a night of uninterrupted sleep in over 3 years is taking its toll on me and making me feel like an old lady.  Like, a LEGIT old lady, not just old cuzz I’ve gone over the hill or some shit like that.  I would also like to request a vacation from being an adult.  Someone REALLY needs to get on approving that request, like, yesterday.

Lifestyles of the Bored and Boring

Classes are completed, which is awesome.  I like waking up and not feeling like I have so much to get done and zero time to do it even though I really don’t do anything.  Aside from cleaning, chasing kids, laundry, feeding kids, blahblahmommyshitblah.  My break is actually a little longer than I thought it would be, so that’s cool.  Except I don’t really know what to do with myself now.  I keep sitting down at the computer and thinking that I’ve forgotten something.  Then the girls promptly start screaming, either at themselves, at each other, or at me, and I am up chasing after them instead of trying to remember what I was thinking I had forgotten to do.

It’s a vicious cycle, really.

With nothing on the agenda today, I find that I actually have a ton of options of things to do.  After the girls lay down for their “naps”, of course.  I could

~Take a shower, which is actually very HIGH on my list of things I could do (hence why it is the first on the list) and is something that I WILL accomplish.

~Cut my hair.  I’m not sure if my scissors are still sharp, but fuck it. It’s just hair.  It’ll grow back eventually.  <— That was also my thought process shortly before I shaved my head.  I doubt I’ll take it to that extreme this time, but it’s always a possibility.

~Put on make up.  I like playing with make up, though it always leads to my children asking me where we’re going.  They act like the only time I put on make up is when we’re going to be leaving that house.  That may be the case, but really? Why ya gotta call me out like that? 

~Take a selfie.  If I actually DO cut my hair, I’mma hafta take a selfie.  Especially if cutting my own hair is Full of Fail.  The last time I cut it, it turned out pretty decent, but that was a long time ago.  

~Piss and moan about not having anything cute to wear even though I rarely try to wear anything that isn’t jeans and a t-shirt.  I really think I just need to find some cute t-shirts and everything will be right in my circle of high fashion.

~Try to figure out a way to leave the house without any kids and actually interact with other adults.  I will fail at trying to figure this out. 

~Watch some bullshit TV.  I have all kinds of shit on my DVR that I need to watch and the majority of it is bullshit, like The Challenge.  Yes, I’m in my 30s and I never miss a new season of a show that airs on MTV.

   ~Think about how I could sneak a new cat into the house.  Realize that there is no way to sneak a cat in cuzz all cats are obsessed with my husband.  Seriously.  There is no cat in this world who doesn’t have some hardcore love for The Gweg.

And that shall be my day.  I will not complete all the things on this list.  In all actuality, I will likely only get a shower in.  That’s a good thing, though, cuzz being clean is kind of one of my favorite things.

Oh man. I need a fucking life. 

Attempted Blog Revival in 3… 2… 1…

I was going to wait until next week to try this, as I’ll have a 2 week break from classes.  I decided to just start now, though, in hopes that writing for pleasure will give me the kick in the ass I need to actually write my last 2 papers of this term.  We’ll see how that goes.

As always, I’m living life on the boring side.  While it’s a decidedly drama-free existence, it makes for less than thrilling blogging fodder.  To demonstrate this, I present – 

   A brief overview of things that have happened in the last couple of months

~I made a cat shit on the floor.  Little Bitty was taking a nap and Mydna was losing her mind, which is a daily occurrence.  Every time the kids go to their rooms for nap time, Mydna runs around meowing like she’s never NOT been around kids.  Every day things like that tend to not get much attention from me.  I was not going to open the door to the room where Little Bitty sleeps (my bedroom) cuzz she has a tendency to wake up if someone even breathes in the same general vicinity and that was the room that Mydna chose to meow at that day.  She usually meows at The Ginger’s bedroom door or the back door, so the fact that she was meowing at a door did not raise any alarms.  When she was pacing back and forth between me and the bedroom, I told her that she’d get to go back there in a bit and that she could hold off laying on the bed until Little Bitty woke up.  It never crossed my mind that she was trying to tell me she needed to go to The Box, which is also in my bedroom.  After a few minutes of pacing and meowing, she stopped.  I figured that she had grown bored and moved on to some other cat activity.  Then I got a whiff of something.  And that something smelled like fresh shit.  When I got up to investigate, Mydna crouch-ran in front of me, glancing up at me as she did.  I looked over to where she had come from and I saw it – A fresh pile of cat shit.  I instantly felt horrible.  Mydna is one of those cats who must do cat things and shitting outside of The Box is something that she does not do.  I apologized to her and she promptly ran away from me.  She has since forgiven me for making her shit on the floor.

~This morning, Miss Squish was watching Daniel Tiger today and they were singing a song about how adults always come back when they leave so that Daniel Tiger wouldn’t be so upset that his parents were leaving him with a babysitter.  She walked over to me and sang along with the song, “Grown ups come back” and added her own little piece to the song, “Except when they don’t”.  The entire time, she was giving me The Death Glare.  Pretty sure she’s finalized her plans for my demise.  I’m convinced that she’s working with the cats on ways to take me out for good.

~I’ve been contemplating downloading that Couch 2 5K app I keep seeing people talking about.  I don’t have service on my cell phone, so hopefully it’s something that doesn’t need Wi-Fi or 4G to work properly.  I’ve also been planning an early morning exercise routine to start-up once I’m done with school at the end of this week.  I had a routine last year around this time, but once my husband got laid off for the season I stopped.  There’s something about exercising in front of people in my home that squicks me out.  If I go to a gym, I give zero fucks about it, but at home. AT HOME it’s a completely different story. 

That stuff up there is what falls into the exciting category these days.  Thinking about maybe exercising again, having my life threatened by my middle child, and making cats shit on the floor.  I am totally amazeballs, I know.


I knew it had been some time. Actually, I knew it had been quite some time.

I guess I didn’t realize exactly how long it had been…

I have three kids now… My oldest, my only boy, is 13 already.  My girls are 2 1/2 and 11 months.  I have 2 nieces and 2 nephews, with a slew of baby cousins that have been born or are waiting to be born (and by slew, I mean 2).

I’ve been employed and unemployed.

I’ve gotten married again. It’ll be a year on November 24th and yet I still haven’t changed my last name. I know this is going to sound horrible, but I haven’t been able to afford the charges to get the documentation to be able to do it.  I tried to get my marriage license and $24 later, I was told that it couldn’t be found in the county records.  I have a copy of the licence that the church filed, but the money I already spent to get the copy I was told didn’t exist is non-refundable.  This means I have to make sure I can come up with the $50 or $60 total that it’s going to take to officially change my last name.  We don’t have it, so I get to hang on to my name as is.  It’s not so bad, I suppose.  At least I share my entire last name with my son and no one else.

There is so much more I could write, but it’s late and I promised Miss Squish that I would make pancakes and sausage for breakfast if she went to sleep.

Heh. It would appear that I’ve been domesticated. Fuck.

I’ll leave you all with a song that has been stuck in my head for what seems like eternity.  The video is gorgeous, but the song itself… It brings tears every time I listen to it.

In which I throw a pity party. Wait…

Actually, I’m not going to be having a pity party so much as I just feel like bitching about things that have been annoying me. That’s not really a pity party, though, now is it? I just really liked the way the title sounded in my head.


It’s 0800 and Miss Squish and The Ginger are BOTH still in bed. This isn’t all that unusual for The Ginger, though I don’t expect him to be sleeping much longer. He’s usually up around 0900. Miss Squish got up and talked to her Eeyore or her dolly at around 0330 this morning and then started talking again around 0600. I put her binkie in her mouth to keep her quiet while I got her bottle ready and she went back to sleep! Almost 2 hours later and she hasn’t made a peep. Guess she wore herself out playing in her saucer (by playing, I mean chewing on the seat and staring at the toys) and trying apples for the first time.

And THIS is where I start my bitching.

I find it incredibly annoying when people don’t remember that this isn’t my first go round with a baby. I mean, if someone doesn’t realize I have a 10 year old cuzz they’ve never seen him (like at church), then I don’t get annoyed when people offer me advice as if I were a first time mom. Sometimes I tell them that I have a son and sometimes I don’t, depending on the time I have. But, when people either know I have two kids or actually PHYSICALLY SEE both children and STILL pretend like I don’t know anything about raising a baby, I get annoyed. And, truth be told, if this is something that repeatedly happens, I tend to get a little pissy. I’ve come incredibly close to telling people that I’ve managed to keep one kid alive for over 10 years, I’m pretty sure that I can figure out how to keep the new kid alive for at least that long. I’ve held my tongue, though, cuzz when it comes to kids, my sense of humor seems to not work. For example, I was with someone at a store, I can’t remember who now, that told me to be careful cuzz they thought I didn’t have a good hold on Miss Squish. I smiled and said, “That’s ok, they bounce,” and laughed a little. The looks I got from the people around me ranged from appalled, as if I actually thought that dropping the baby would be ok cuzz she’d just bounce back up to me like a ball, to rage filled. Seriously?! Anyone who sees Miss Squish, even in passing, can tell that she has never been dropped or anything even remotely close to that, but go ahead and judge me random fucking strangers, cuzz you know that I’m completely serious when I’m obviously making a joke.


Something else that’s been pissing me off is the new time frame in which to start babies on solid foods. Seems there have been studies that show that starting solid foods at 4 months causes the babies to become obese and children and/or adults. Hmm… Yeah… I’mma call bullshit on that. There are PLENTY of skinny people that were started on solid foods at 4 months old. You want to know why there are so many fat people now? Cuzz we are LAZY and we eat HUGE portions. Sure, that salad is better for you than the giant cheeseburger, but when you eat a ginormous salad with shit tons of dressing and other things added, welp, you’re gonna be putting away the calories. And I’ve been saying we cuzz I include myself in this. I will eat a salad over most anything else (unless there’s cow involved. I LOVES me some cow!), but when I do, I eat a GINORMOUS salad with all sorts of things in it. I will throw all kinds of veggies in a salad, which isn’t a bad thing. But I also put things like cheese, eggs, BACON and chicken or some kind of meat. I’m not really into tons of dressing so I dip each bite into a side of dressing and there’s not really all that much on the spinach, so I end up eating that actual serving size from the bottle or even a little less. But I put enough shit in my salads that I’m getting WAY more calories than I think I am. Sure, I was started on solid food at 4 months old, but that’s not why I’m fat. If I were to get off my ass and exercise regularly, I’m sure I wouldn’t be as big as I am. I’m not going to venture so far as to say I’d be skinny cuzz, well let’s face it, I’ve popped out two kids and carefully sculpted my Dispatch Ass® for the better part of a decade. I’ll never be skinny again. LOL But to blame my weight on the fact that I ate solid food at 4 months old is a bunch of bullshit.

I also do not like when people tell me that my daughter is going to be allergic to everything if I start her on foods before 6 months. Again, I am calling bullshit. Sure, there are babies out there who have started foods at 4 months and are allergic to everything under the sun. However, there are just as many that started foods at the same time who aren’t allergic to anything. Hell, there are kids who eat dirt that aren’t allergic to anything.

*gasp*  I hear Miss Squish talking to one of her toys! It would seem that she’s gotten enough beauty sleep and would like to join me in the living room.